The Lesbian Gayby Boom

 Most people reading this will remember the great TV series, The L-Word, in one of the storylines, lesbian partners Tina and Bette have decided that they would like to have a child. They ask one of their male friends to become their sperm donor, and just as Tina is about to be inseminated, the doctor tells them that his sperm count is too slow. Keen to proceed as planned, the couple then ask another of their friends, an artist from France to oblige. He agrees... as long as he can make love to Tina. As he delicately said "The penis and the pussy, they go together, no?" Our heroines decline and rush out, leaving him baffled.

LesbianEarth

Laura Goldberger, a family and marriage therapist from San Francisco says that a huge concern for lesbian couples, who are trying to become pregnant, is where the sperm is from. Laura runs a support group for these couples and advises that although information and genetic sources such as male friends and sperm banks are available now, the whole process of finding and selecting a donor is highly charged emotionally. As we are still in the early stages of this new exciting new world that has very few lesbian-mother role models and even fewer resources out there to guide new mothers through the intrinsic difficulties faced by lesbian mothers.

However, we must acknowledge that the obstacles are slowly reducing in number and more lesbian couples are now able to consider parenthood than ever before. The phenomenon has even attracted its own label; 'The Gayby Boom'. It isn't easy to accurately determine how many families there are with two lesbian mothers but an estimate based on the census of 2000 puts the figure at about 167,000 families. Many people think this is an underestimate as gay stigma still prevents large numbers of people from revealing information about their sexuality. A more recent report has taken the findings of several different surveys and estimates the number of families with two lesbian mothers at over 3 million.

In some urban districts of cities such as LA, San Francisco and parts of Brooklyn in NYC, two-mummy families are an every-day sight in the ever changing gay scene. Festivals celebrating gay pride are becoming increasingly common and help to promote child friendly activities which promote differences and diversity; an acceptance of the demographic changes. Media is also recognising the growing movement of lesbian parenting and way back in 2004 an edition of the NY Times magazine chronicled the lives of a family at the forefront of the movement. Gay and lesbian parents are also the target customers of a fortnightly magazine called 'And Baby', although the publication has been aimed at upper and middle class families up until now, it is currently being restructured and we are hopeful that their appeal will become more widespread in the future.

How much is the baby in the window?

One of the first shocks for a lesbian couple to overcome when considering their pregnancy options may be the high cost of modern techniques such as artificial insemination (AI) and in vitro fertilisation (IVF). Although visiting sperm banks which cater to lesbian and gay clients is not uncommon, it is still a relatively expensive service to use. There is only one sperm back in the US which actively recruits bisexual and gay sperm donors and at the time of writing their lowest price service is $225. The establishment is based in California, but will ship all over the US for a further $260. When you consider how many shipments or visits may be necessary, it is easy to see exactly how quickly the costs of using a sperm bank can stack up.

There is no doubt that lesbians are financially disadvantaged when it comes to fertility treatment costs that are not payable via insurance companies and compared to straight couples. A study of lesbian and gay income that was published in 1998 found that lesbian couples brought home approximately 20% less salary that a straight couple in similar circumstances did. By the time that all the costs relating to fertility treatments have been taken into consideration, using a sperm bank is just not possible for lesbian couples in the lower and middle income groups.

Although full earning potential doesn't often coincide with optimal fertility, the home insemination approach is still available. A lesbian friend was telling me that she and her partner were lucky to have a friend who was happy to donate his sperm to them but was rather taken aback when they told him that they had no money for a clinic and that he would just need to go into the other room! 'We can't afford to pay for a doctor to do something that we can do for ourselves' My friend told him.

Another drawback to using the services of a sperm bank is uncertainty or doubt in relation to the sperm donor. Most clinics will supply a comprehensive document which provides considerable detail about him. Recently photographs have started to be included in these dossiers, but there are still some details which can only be obtained by meeting somebody in the flesh, personality traits, family history, sense of humour, all fall into this category. Despite all the information available, some couples remain insecure even after conception, Christie and Mara are expecting a baby boy after IVF and are concerned that he will be 'funny looking'. This is despite their careful choice of donor being the closest to them genetically.

Nevertheless, AI with an anonymous donor is a popular choice for couples who want full control of their conception. It eliminates the chance of the biological father suddenly showing up whilst retaining the option for the child to make contact in the future if they so choose.

Leaving the sperm bank option for now, lesbian couples also choose gay or straight male friends who volunteer to donate their sperm. Some lesbian couples even relinquish using a turkey baster all together and simply have sex with a man in order to conceive (Susie Bright, columnist for Salon coined the phrase "party" for this option). Another L-Word storyline tackled the subject of partying when Tina and Bette invited a willing and attractive male into their bed, but they foiled again when he produced a condom!